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life's a bitch, depending on how you treat her you might get RICH
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| This time around, everything makes much more sense. Now I understand why Rich called me crying after we broke up to ask me why, and now I understand why Tim wouldn't give up for so long after we broke up-- they LOVED me. I only half loved each of them. I loved Rich for what he was-- a good looking older kid who other kids liked. I don't know what he loved me for, he never even told me about his life. Maybe since me and other girls, he's realized that he didn't really love me either.
Tim probably really loved/loves me. I did take a lot of shit from him, and I'm probably the best he'll ever have (let's hope I'm wrong) so I've earned whatever is going on in his head now, but I totally don't want it anymore. I also loved him for what he was--ummm, someone from high school. Haha, honestly I can't even say why I was with him after that first year. It should have been after he played me for a year, but it should have been more clear that day he asked me if I could see us together in the future even if my family didn't like it and I was like "Uhhhh...." I shoulda known, but it's so much easier to see now that I'm out of it all.
WIth both boys though, I was always so in love with their acts in respect to society, it was terrible. I was so self conscious, even my love was self conscious! I didn't love myself, so how could I have loved either of them?
Sigh...melting into my chair | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | It's crazy how we hold on to every lingering reminder of him, even if it's just a receipt for a return at Home Depot that he made on September 21, 2005. A return totalling 10 dollars. He returned paintbrushes. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i think what makes me most angry about her accusations is that SHE speaks for dad. when she says my disobedience helped kill him i can ignore it--write it off as another one of her fucked up tendencies. but what i can't take is when she says things like, "your dad would hate you if he knew you were being so disobedient". FUCK.
how dare she presume to say how my dad would have felt. did she KNOW him at all under the superficialities of marriage and chinese traditions? did she ever do little things to try to make him happy if it wasn't for a birthday or a holiday? i can just remember those handfuls of times i was there when my dad tried to take her out...to dinner, to a show...she was always so disinterested. where the FUCK is her pleasure in life man!?!? i still doubt that her "sadness" over dad's death stems out of genuine love for him. how could she go from being a cold, distant wife to being such a heartbroken widow that she cries so hard every day she claims she can't see out of her eyes? sometimes i could swear the only reason she cares is because she's scared of being homeless and poor and alone when she's older. it would be ironic if that's how she feels, because if by appearing worried and vulnerable about EVERY SINGLE THING IN LIFE she's trying to capture my empathy, she's failing miserably. she's driving me off with a chainsaw instead.
i can't fathom how someone's character can be so flat. fucking roadkill.
we got in a nasty nasty fight yesterday morning and she said "i don't believe that i gave birth to someone like you". even while i was crying in front of her for the first time since dad died, i laughed and i said THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. sarah and i are so similar in this sense--our mothers are completely different from us. i will admit that my mom instilled good morals and good manners in me, but she didn't teach me jack shit about how to distinguish myself from others--how to rise about the rest and be the glimmer in the dust that I KNOW i can be. i always ask myself why she thinks i'm so incapable of being independent, on my own, smart, and why she's always riddled with doubt about my capabilities. maybe because she thinks i am going to end up the same way as her? i bet.
i wish i could tell her just so she would give it a fucking break: we are two different breeds of human beings. i have feelings and a complex personality. scratch that, i HAVE a personality. i have passion for life and i'm not afraid of death. what do you have? this house. and a fucking car. and don't worry, you tell me all the time "the house is yours. the car is yours." good fucking for you.
i know and she probably knows that she could have done much more with herself than she did--you can blame your circumstances for meager education and meager means but a smart, truly smart (not the bookworm, useless kind she bitches at me about being) person makes do with what she has. that's conquering adversity. not expecting for people to cover for your ass when it's bare and hurting. FUCK.
i'm not going to try to change her, because i'm sure dad tried and got fed up and that's why he wanted to divorce her. and who knows what the fuck stopped him from doing so.
all i know is i'm never going to forget what LOVE means. i don't know how many times we're going to have to revert to the Tim Period in my life as example (as long as mom still has her memory intact, probably forever, FUCK why can't she just leave shit in the past, FUCK!!!), but even from just that sliver of my 18 years of life I could see that dad really loved me and that mom...well, all she ever cares about is herself and her "public image". dad would talk to me about him and just say things like, "you're my baby and i don't want you to be hurt. can he really treat you well? can he give you what you deserve? because baby, you deserve the world". mom would say things like, "HAK GWAI?!? all your relatives will laugh and scoff at me, and people will see you on the streets and tell me. you're going to get pregnant and have a dirty ugly baby and it's going to be a THING and look like a monkey." honest to God, i wonder how a woman can bring herself to say such disgusting things to her own flesh and blood.
oh well.
i'll do my part and make sure she doesn't starve, freeze to death, or look "shabby" compared to her "friends, mother, relatives" (all people who she "doesn't care about") but that's really all i can do for a woman who neither listens to nor respects me. the rest-- finding some measure of happiness, seeking outlets for pleasure, knowing that life is really fucked up sometimes but it goes on and eventually calm water will come again, that's all up to her.
basically, i've had my last straw with her. mother she will always be to me, but friend she will never be. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Security: | | | Time: | 08:47 pm | | Current Mood: |  morose |
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| but he's so special.
i'm lying to myself when i say i don't love him. he's so special.
i'm just protecting myself though. i feel like it's pretty likely he's in love with me too but even if that's the case, i can't get the steph thing out of my head.
i should have known better than to be nosy and flip through that book, but jeez. i'm kind of glad i did. and i know it's horrificly unfair of me to punish him or give him less of me because of something that i read that i know nothing about, and what's more he doesn't even know i know...but what am i supposed to do?
as if having your very best friend be of the opposite sex isn't quite unnerving enough. i mean i can handle that. the fact that he didn't tell me his friend visiting was steph is fine, because he told me about it, and more so because i thought their relationship was completely platonic and he didn't have romantic feelings toward her and whatever. blah blah, didn't really matter how she felt about him, but god it matters now.
i can't even ask him if there ever was anything, because if he tells me no i'll be soooo crushed.
i just can't stand the thought of not being as special to him as he is to me, kapisch? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i changed my mind about this love thing.
it's not that i don't see myself loving tyler in the near future...and all the feelings i have for him are just as genuine as they were when i first discovered them, but i have been thinking today...it's true, Elvis Presley UB40 they're all right. Why rush it?
maybe it's just the nasty weather today, but i'm being existential today. love isn't for me. i fall so fast for people, and just as quickly i lose interest. i mean i hope to god that doesn't happen with tyler, but i've started to purposely try to distance myself from him. i don't know why, his ex-talk habit is getting to me...i started talking a little about my past too, but i don't know. i don't like it. i guess it's like reopening fresh wounds. it's not that i'm not over tim, because i never think about him that way anymore.
but i do believe that it's too soon for me and that L word again.
scares the fuck out of me. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | sue said she would hook me up with a temp-bartending company. and june 2 i can bartend one of her parties for her! this is great! she's such a nice lady. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| melonbabeS (12:20:37 AM): you're right noonifer
sUpRcHiki (12:20:42 AM): i am moomoo
sUpRcHiki (12:20:48 AM): i know things
melonbabeS (12:21:18 AM): you do
melonbabeS (12:21:22 AM): are you an angel?
melonbabeS (12:21:29 AM): or are you the prophet?
melonbabeS (12:21:35 AM): which one is it?
sUpRcHiki (12:21:42 AM): i'm noonz!
melonbabeS (12:21:43 AM): i've had one of each sent to me this year
melonbabeS (12:21:45 AM): and a muse
melonbabeS (12:21:51 AM): i think you're my prophet
sUpRcHiki (12:21:58 AM): aw, thanks moo
sUpRcHiki (12:22:02 AM): what makes me the prophet?
melonbabeS (12:22:04 AM): tyler's my angel and sarah's my muse
sUpRcHiki (12:22:09 AM): awww!!
melonbabeS (12:22:11 AM): you're always right!
sUpRcHiki (12:22:15 AM): are these biblical references?
sUpRcHiki (12:22:20 AM): sorry, i'm dumb
melonbabeS (12:22:23 AM): no i just watched dogma the other day
sUpRcHiki (12:22:27 AM): ohh, hahahahahahahahha | | comments: Leave a comment |
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life's a bitch, depending on how you treat her you might get RICH
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